Why We Resist Self-Compassion (Even When We Know It Matters)
- alisonhuckle3
- Jul 25
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 27
We have all heard the message:
“Be kinder to yourself”
“Talk to yourself like you would a friend”
“Practice self-compassion”
And maybe we believe it’s a good idea…in theory!
But in the quiet moments, when we make a mistake, feel overwhelmed or simply needing rest, something inside us still says:
“ You should be doing more”
“You’re being lazy”
“Get it together”………….. Or words of that effect.
In my work as a counsellor, I’ve seen this so often:
Intelligent, capable, deeply caring people who can’t extend the same warmth to themselves that they so freely offer others.
And that resistance?
It usually comes from somewhere very old.
Why We Struggle With Self-Compassion
1. Self-Compassion feels unfamiliar – even threatening
If we grew up in an environment where love was conditional; where we were praised for being “good”, quiet, helpful, high-achieving, then it’s likely that self-kindness was never truly modelled for us. In these settings, approval often depended on how well we met others’ expectations, not on being accepted as we were.
On the other side of this, children who were deemed “naughty” or too much, those who struggled to conform, were often criticised, rejected, or shamed. Their sense of self-compassion also takes a hit, as they internalise the belief that they are inherently bad or unworthy. In both cases, the ability to relate to ourselves with gentleness and understanding can be stunted, and instead, we learn to measure our worth through performance or perfection, often accompanied by a harsh inner voice. Instead of developing self-compassion, we internalise pressure, fear, or self-criticism as motivators—because that’s what we learned kept us safe or accepted.
So, when we try to be gentle with ourselves now, it can feel uncomfortable…even disorienting.
2. We believe our harshness is what keeps us going
Many people internalise the idea that being self-critical is motivating.
They fear that without it, they’ll fall apart or stop functioning.
But that critical voice is often an internalised survival strategy, a protective part developed in childhood to stay “in line” or avoid rejection.
In therapy, we often explore where that voice began and what it’s been trying to protect us from all along.
3. Self-Compassion challenges old identities
Being kind to yourself means admitting you are human!
That you are tired.
That you have been carrying too much, for too long.
But many people have built their identity around coping:
“I’m the strong one”
“I just get on with it”
“I don’t need help”
Letting that go, even a little, can feel like losing part of yourself.
This is where therapy can be so important.
How Therapy Can Help: The Reparative Relationship
Psychologist Petrūska Clarkson identified five facets of the therapeutic relationship. One of these, the developmental (or reparative) relationship, is especially relevant when we explore self-compassion and healing.
Many of us missed out on consistent, attuned emotional support in early life, not because our caregivers were bad people, but because they were stretched, unavailable or dealing with their own wounds.
In therapy, a new kind of relational experience becomes possible. A place where parts of you, especially the younger, wounded parts, are seen, accepted and supported.
Not judged, not dismissed, just met.
When the therapeutic relationship offers warmth, reliability and presence, it can gently begin to repair what was missed.
This is not about “fixing” you. You are not broken. It's about gently unlearning the harsh messages you absorbed and relearning how to treat yourself.
Learning to meet yourself with more care, compassion and internal safety. So that over time, your internal world becomes a more liveable place to be.
What if Self-Compassion Is Something We Re-Learn – Not Just Decide?
Self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook.
It’s about putting down the stick you’ve been beating yourself with for years.
It’s not indulgence – it’s recovery.
It’s not weakness – it’s repair.
If you’re exploring how to be kinder to yourself or if the very idea of self-compassion makes you feel uneasy, that’s okay. There’s likely a younger part of you that still doesn’t feel safe enough to soften.
In therapy, that part is welcome too.
I work with people who are tired of being hard on themselves.
If this resonates with you, I offer a free introductory call (20–30 minutes), either online or by phone.
You’re welcome to get in touch via the email address below or use the booking link to arrange an online appointment.
P.S. If you’re a therapist and this blog resonated with you, I’m running a Self-Kindness Workshop for Therapists on Saturday 27th September 2025.
You can find more details and book your place via the dedicated page on my website .Workshops
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