Family Estrangement, Compassion, and the Courage to Let Go
- alisonhuckle3
- Sep 29
- 4 min read
"I put so much of me into you and then forgot who I should be... Now, I see that it wasn't the thing to do as I am left alone and you have all grown." Alison Huckle, 2024
Family Estrangement and the Individuation Process
The individuation process occurs as children grow into adulthood. They need to explore the world, from their own perspectives, and define themselves independently. For parents, this process can bring profound pain; the child they once protected and nurtured may distance themselves, sometimes expressing anger, disdain, or withdrawal.
Estrangement may not resolve in one's lifetime, and reconcilliation is never guaranteed. Both parent and adult child must navigate grief, unmet expectations, and the paradox of wanting closeness while respecting autonomy.
Compassion, for oneself and the other, is vital. A critical voice can amplify shame and hinder healing; a compassionate inner dialogue creates space for growth.
When Estrangement Is More Recent
For some parents, estrangement with an adult child may be more recent, and the work of repair is still ongoing. In these situations, the pain can feel particularly raw and uncertain. Reconnection often begins in very small, careful ways, offering gentle communication, allowing space, staying mindful, and being thoughtful without pressure.
This stage is about planting seeds of trust rather than expecting instant resolution. It also highlights the ripple effect within a family: dynamics, past conflicts, or previous periods of estrangement wth other siblings can subtly influence how relationships unfold. Understanding this helps parents approach the situation with patience, compassion, and realistic expectations.
Reflections from my Own Experience
I have experienced estrangement both as a daughter and as a parent. My relationship with my mother, affected by her alcohol use, was complex. While I never fully estranged, I set boundaries as a young adult, and over time, we developed a loving connection built on understanding, grief, and mutual compassion.
As a parent, I experienced estrangement with one of my children during a period of family upheaval and personal mental health challenges. Their non-epileptic attack disorder (NEAD) was treated inconsistently, adding to stress and feelings of vulnerability. We were able to rebuild our relationship through consistent contact, active listening, and careful repair work, recognising my responsibility without defensiveness.
This ongoing process has informed my professional approach as a counsellor, combining attachment theory, relationship focused work, and compassion based strategies. It reinforces the importance of patience, boundaries, and the courage to listen without judgement.
Takeaways for Processing Estrangement
A note on safety: If estrangement is due to abuse, violence, or ongoing risk - whether from a parent, adult child, or other family member - your safety and wellbeing must come first. Compassion and repair are not priorities in situations where harm is possible. Seek professional support, set firm boundaries, and take steps to protect yourself
For the Estranged Adult Child:
Acknowledge your feelings of grief, anger, or disappointment - they are valid.
Reflect on how family patterns or past experiences may influence your responses.
Set boundaries that feel safe and honour your wellbeing.
Communicate mindfully and with compassion if and when you reconnect.
Allow repair to happen gradually; healing is a process, not a single event
For the Parent:
Take responsibility for your part in the relationship without defensiveness or self-blame.
Respect your child's autonomy and timing, even when it's difficult.
Cultivate compassion for both yourself and your child.
Maintain boundaries that protect your emotional wellbeing.
Be patient and consistent, trust and connection often grow slowly over time.
Takeaway: Grief Lives on Both Sides
Estrangement isnt a one sided wound. Both the parent and the adult child may be grieving, even if it is never spoken aloud.
Parents may grieve the loss of closeness, identity, or the imagined future with their child.
Adult children may grieve the parent they needed but didn't have, or the relationship they hoped could exist.
Naming this, even privately, can ease the blame and open up space for compassion, boundaries, and potential repair.
Conclusion
Estrangement is rarely straightforward, and the grief it carries is often ambiguous - a blend of loss, love, hope, anger, and uncertainty. There are no real "winners" in these situations, only people trying to protect themselves or others in the best way they know how.
Sometimes a new partner, family member, or well meaning outsider steps in believing they are helping. But without knowing the deeper history, their involvement can unintentionally block healing, reinforce distance, or serve their own unspoken agenda. This is why curiosity becomes essential. Instead of reacting or assigning blame, it can help to pause and gently ask:
What might be driving this person's involvement? Are they protecting, rescuing, controlling, or acting from their own unresolved story?
Curiosity allows us to make more informed choices, about what to engage with, what to let go of, and how not to get pulled into drama triangles of victim, rescuer, and persecutor.
Another important part of navigating estrangement is returning to a more authentic self, rather than seeking validation or a sense of being "right." When we're not chasing approval or justification, we have more capacity to reflect, listen, and relate. From that steadier place, it becomes easier to stay grounded in personal values, rather than becoming entangled in someone else's narrative. This shift isn't about proving anything - it's about understanding, preserving connection where it is possible, and holding self-respect where repair isn't yet available.
Approaching estrangement with gentleness, compassion, and respect allows both parent and adult child to move through uncertainty with more clarity. Holding space for your own feelings while honouring the autonomy of others creates the conditions for healing, understanding, or at the very least inner peace. True courage lies in embracing the complexity with empathy and patience, rather than searching for someone to blame or seeking permission to exist.
With love and hope,
Alison x
If you're navigating family estrangement and the grief it brings, it can help to have a safe space to explore your feelings. I offer counselling sessions to support both parents and adult children in finding understanding, compassion, and hope.
If you would like to get in touch by email ali@achlacounselling.com
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